It ain't over
by veredgf
Summary: Dawn POV. Post "Heart of Stone" (S04E05). Angst galore. My way of dealing with the aftermath of the events of that episode as I felt it wasn't handled properly in the actual show. Disclaimer: Do not own Saving Hope. Just enjoy seeing them suffer at my hands...
1. Chapter 1

It had been four weeks now since Lane had raped her in her office. Four weeks and she was still waking up, drenched in sweat, screaming for him to let her go, all the while unable to utter a syllable as he pressed his palm to her mouth.

She was breathing quickly as her heart followed suit and dashed alongside her breaths. She opened her eyes and simultaneously got up to a sitting position in her bed. The light at her bed stand was turned on. She was scared to sleep in the dark. She let out a sob, and tossed her blankets aside.

It was 4AM and she knew this was it for her night's sleep. The first couple of nights she tried to use the extra time to catch up on her medical journals, but she was too preoccupied and the medical text wasn't the proper material to keep her distracted. She decided to take a leave of absence once the panic attacks and the lack of sleep were beginning to affect her work. Nobody at work knew. Zach figured there was something going on as he witnessed her loss of control, but he was a good friend and a good doctor and he understood there were things he shouldn't ask.

The problem was, she couldn't stay away forever. A few weeks, here and there, were acceptable. More than that would draw too much attention. Thus, she decided to go back today.

The thought of walking back into her office sent shivers through her spine. Her skin became all prickly and she felt faint. No. She felt nauseous. _God!_ There was no way she would be able to go back to her office like this!

She had heard of PTSD reactions, yet, she thought this was somewhat more severe than usual. She gulped in some air and went to the bathroom to search for some anti-sickness pills. She had to go back today, by hook or by crook!

* * *

9:00 AM, later that day.

Putting on a brave face, Dawn Bell stepped into the hospital lobby, trying her darnest to make it seem as if it were business as usual.

No sooner had she entered, that she spotted Lane standing in line at the coffee stand. Her heart lost a beat and she felt the ground about to pull from below her.

"Hey there," She felt a strong hand get a grip on her arm. "Whoa."

It was Charlie. _Dammit!_ Losing control in front of Charlie—just what she needed!

"Thanks," she said as she regained her composure.

He gave her the Charlie Harris concerned doctor look. "You alright?"

"I'm fine," she retorted in what she hoped was a pissed enough voice. She had to make sure he didn't find out about what had happened to her. There was no way he could find out.

"OK," he said, sounding somewhat offended as he let go of her arm. "I'll be on my way, then."

She felt bad about this, but her ploy worked.

She began walking again towards her office. She was crossing the hospital lobby when she heard her name being called by no other than the perpetrator himself.

"It's good to see you, Dr. Bell," Lane's snake of a voice said behind her.

Her heart began to beat faster. She had to get a grip over her emotions or at least get away from him as quickly as possible before she broke down.

Her mind debated: Should she respond to him or ignore him?

She chose to ignore him and continued her steady pace forward, but he would not let go.

"Didn't they teach you any manners where you came from, doctor?"

 _Move on_ , she told herself. _If you ignore him, he will eventually go away_.

She was wrong.

"I'm talking to you," Lane said as he grabbed her arm firmly.

Her tactic failed miserably.

Adrenaline was flowing through her entire body. Her heart threatened to explode right out of her chest as she turned to face her attacker. "Take your hand off of me," she hissed through gritted teeth as she stared directly into his eyes.

He stared back at her but did not loosen his grip. He gave her a crooked smile. "And to think that just a few weeks ago you couldn't stop touching me."

This man was pure evil. How come she hadn't seen this before? Her need for love and company overcame her senses and now she was paying for it.

"Let go of me or I will scream," she said in what she hoped was a convincing enough tone.

It was. He let go.

She didn't wait for his retort. She hurriedly rushed through the lobby and as soon as she had cleared it, she made a dash for the nearest bathroom, but she was unable to make it on time. She felt weak and dizzy and a strong feeling of nausea took over. She collapsed to her knees and heaved the contents of her stomach just outside the bathroom door.

It was so embarrassing. So humiliating.

She was still feeling weak and her legs just wouldn't obey her. She was shivering from the adrenaline that was coursing through her veins and her clothes felt sticky from the sweat she was soaked in. She was a complete mess.

To add to her misery, the only person in the corridor at that time was no other than Charlie Harris.

Her ex-husband rushed to her side to give her a helping hand and she had no strength left to resist.

He ushered her to a nearby waiting lounge and she gladly landed like a sack of potatoes into the first couch she encountered.

Harris instantly sat beside her and had grabbed her wrist to take her pulse. She knew would be racing, but then, that was normal for somebody who had just let go of her stomach contents. Thank God he hadn't felt her pulse just a couple of minutes ago at the lobby, or he would have had alarm bells ringing.

He gave her a worried stare.

She shrugged. "Stomach flu?"

He nodded. "Could be, but you have no fever."

"It's not an uncommon presentation," she responded.

"I guess," he replied, but she could hear the sound to skepticism lining his voice.

She had had enough of the doctor chit chat. It was time to move on and get this day over with. She got up and straightaway regretted it. The world began to tilt. She couldn't figure out which was the right direction. She felt herself being pulled back to what she assumed was down.

"I'm thinking maybe you should see a doctor?" Charlie voiced after he got her back on the couch.

She sighed. This day was just getting worse by the second and it hadn't even begun.

"I will get you a lovely chariot with wheels and we will go to the land of emergency room, then." Charlie said as he got up.

He was gone for about a minute. When he returned he helped her into the wheelchair and she finally succumbed to her situation. She could just claim she had eaten something that had gone bad. Of course, she knew that wasn't the case. She hardly had an appetite the past week and she was living on plain toast and tea mostly. This morning she had skipped the toast entirely after the nausea bout she had felt at the early hours of dawn. All she had was lukewarm tea.

She was worried. If this was PTSD, she won't be able to function as a surgeon until it was resolved, if ever. She was beginning to hate Lane even more with every thought she was having.

She had a reputation to maintain. She was a surgeon. People's lives depended on her and if she couldn't function, it would be the end of her career.

She didn't look up as Charlie wheeled her through the corridors. Hopefully people wouldn't notice it was her sitting in that chair. She felt so ashamed. She hated feeling weak. She didn't want people to feel sorry for her or even worried about her. When Charlie gave her that concerned stare, it made her cringe. She was always an independent woman. Even when they were married, she didn't let him run the show. She had to be the boss, she had to have the last word. She was the big cheese and that was what eventually broke their marriage. She couldn't help it. That is who she is, and being this way also helped her maintain her status in the hospital.

Now, feeling so weak and the thought that this was caused by a man who had raped her, all of this just made her feel like she would be much better buried somewhere deep below the ground. Anything would be better than to have these horrible panic attacks, and this horrid feeling of being so small and vulnerable. She felt crippled. In a way it was becoming that right now she was being wheeled in a chair. She did feel like somebody had chopped a part of her. She just didn't know if she could get it back.

Finally they were in the ER. The "ride of shame" seemed to take forever, although they had just gone two corridors. Thankfully, it was uneventful.

"Zach," Charlie motioned to Dr. Miller.

Zach, who had just turned around as they entered, quickly took over the situation. "OK. I have a nice private curtain for you, young lady," he said as he approached them and took over the wheelchair handles from Charlie.

He rushed her into a cubicle and helped her onto the bed. She was still feeling woozy and she just lay back and let them take over.

"What's going on?" Zach was asking Charlie.

Charlie was talking over her head, "weakness, rapid pulse, vomiting, no fever," he spat the bullet.

It was strange being so out of control over your life and body. She felt so weak that she wasn't even able to tell Zach what was wrong with her. If not for Charlie—suddenly a strong wave of nausea grabbed her and she let out a groan. Zach quickly stuck the emesis basin under her chin and she threw up again. All the while, Charlie was brushing her hair with his hand to keep it out of the way.

When the vomiting subsided she collapsed back into the pillow, completely drained. She felt tired and she was gradually beginning to doze off.

She heard the sound of a zipper opening. She could smell his palm on her face, his breath on her neck, the pushing and shoving of his—

"Hey! Hey!"

"Huh?!" What was going on? Where was she?

She was confused. She tried to open her eyes but the light was so bright. She had to get accustomed to it.

"Dawn?"

"Huh?" She knew this voice. It just didn't fit in with anything.

"Dawn? Can you hear me?" It was Zach.

"Ahm… Yes… Zach?" Still confused. "What happened? Where am I?"

"You're in Hope Zion," he replied. "In the Emergency Room, to be precise," he continued. "Charlie brought you in. Said you had collapsed and that you were weak, dizzy and vomiting."

Dawn finally felt she could open her eyes. As she opened them Zach had grabbed the pen light and was about to examine them. She quickly averted her gaze.

"Oh, c'mon! Don't do that!" Zach was disgruntled.

"I don't need a neuro exam, Zach."

He wasn't happy with that. "I run this joint, and I think you do. A moment ago you had no clue where you were and what was happening."

"I was asleep. This isn't exactly the usual place I sleep in, so yes, I was somewhat confused about my surroundings!" she responded irritatedly.

"You were asleep?!" Zach seemed both surprised and concerned at the same time.

"Yes, I was." Dawn was perplexed with his odd response.

"It's just that—"

Dawn realized what had happened and felt the urge to curl into a tiny ball. Zach had witnessed her in her nightmare state. Yes, this day just kept getting better and better. NOT.

She cut him short. "I was dreaming. Please let it go," she said to him in what was part order, part plea.

He gave her a dissatisfied, concerned look and sighed.

She sighed, too, and stared ahead of him. Too many worried faces in one day. If she had felt better, she would have gone home, but as it was, she was still feeling lousy.

"We took some bloods, and I would like in the meantime to get some fluids into you, so I'm going to give you an IV access."

Dawn was glad Zach was taking care of things and not sending for a nurse. He had excellent people skills which made her wonder how come he was divorced.

She began dozing off again, only to be woken again by Zach.

"We have your results back and I believe I know the cause of your symptoms."

He was wearing a silly grin on his face and Dawn couldn't figure out why her blood results made him smile. Being sick wasn't something you smiled about.

"What do I have?"

"A baby!" he said with joy and elation.

Dawn felt a kick in the belly. "NO!" she let out in utter shock.

Zach didn't expect her response. He opened his mouth to respond, and then shut it up.

Tears ran down her face. Of all the bad luck in the world! She wanted a child. She wanted to be a mother. She had just been told she had a very slim chance of getting pregnant, and this man who had raped her, he, of all people, manages to get her pregnant, and to think that she didn't even bother to check since she knew the possibility was virtually zero. Yes, somebody up there was having a great big laugh at her expense. Everything was spiraling out of control and down the drain.

Zach grabbed a stool and sat beside her. "I'm sorry."

Thoughts were rushing through her mind. What should she do? This might be her only chance of becoming a mother. Should she terminate and thus never know what this could be like? But to have a child as a result of rape? Would she be able to love such a child, knowing that his or her father molested her?

"What am I going to do?" she asked.

It wasn't directed at Zach. It was just her thoughts spoken out loud, yet Zach responded. "Don't rush this decision. You still have time, just don't make a decision you might regret for the rest of your life."

It was just that each decision could be the one she would regret. What a fucking mess.

If it wasn't enough, as if on cue, another strong bout of nausea took over her body. Once again Zach shoved the emesis basin at her face. She heaved and heaved but by now, she had nothing solid left in her. Zach took away the basin and went out. He returned a couple of minutes later with a syringe.

"Compazine?"

He nodded as he pushed the syringe's plunger down into her IV port. "This should help."

"Thanks," she said, her voice raspy from the repeated vomiting.

"I think you should rest. Do you want me to get you something to help you sleep?"

It was a good idea. She nodded assent.

* * *

The ER, Later in the Day

"Hey," a cheery voice said.

Dawn Bell gradually opened her eyes and took in her bearings. Hospital. Hospital bed. ER. Charlie.

Charlie Harris smiled at her. "Feeling better?"

She didn't quite know. "Maybe." She rasped.

Charlie handed her a cup of water with a straw. She drank eagerly. Her mouth felt parched.

"How long did I sleep?"

"Dunno. I was in surgery most of the day."

"What time is it?"

"Six PM."

Dawn was shocked. She'd been asleep most of the day. She actually felt a little better. She got up. The dizziness was gone. So was the nausea. Probably still under the effect of the Compazine. Well, thank the Lord for drugs.

"I think I should go home. Can you call Zach?"

Charlie popped out and a couple of minutes later he was back with Zach.

Now came the awkward part. There was no way she was telling Charlie about the pregnancy. The guy would figure out things pretty soon. How was she going to talk to Zach with Charlie in the cubicle?

But Zach was already on top of it. He sent Charlie out on an errand, to get Dawn a clean pair of scrubs as her clothes were soiled with vomit and thus they could speak in private.

"Here are prescriptions for Compazine and Ambien. Just take them if the need arises. Also, a referral to a support group on the other side of town—"

"Forget it, Zach, I—"

"Don't be an idiot! You like this job and if you don't take care of this, it will just get worse, and since I like you, I can't just stand by and let it happen."

Dawn opened her mouth but Zach signed for her to shut up and listen. "Yes, I know you hate getting help. You hate feeling out of control and you are used to be on top of everything, but right now you are not, and this is the only way you can try and regain all that you have lost, so suck it up and go get help!"

"But—"

"No buts!"

She sighed.

Charlie was back with fresh scrubs.

Both doctors left her alone to get dressed. Once she was ready Charlie offered to drive her home. She graciously accepted.

As she was leaving, she gave Zach a strong hug.


	2. Chapter 2

**Four weeks later**

Another meeting was over. She felt drained but at the same time she also felt stronger. Zach was right. The support group was giving her back her old self. That same piece that she felt cut out of her, her feeling of self-assurance, she was now slowly gaining it back.

Just the other day she had managed to actually stand beside Lane and be professional, as if nothing had happened. She also managed to stand up to him when they were alone. And then, this morning, when she saw what he had done to Asha, she finally had the courage to go to the police and tell her story. She didn't like the word victim when it came to describing herself, but a few meetings with the support group and she was coming to terms with her new role in this play.

At first she came to the meetings and used a different name. She also wore a hat and sunglasses so people wouldn't recognize her. She wasn't able to accept herself as vulnerable and she wanted to detach herself from the events of that day. If she were somebody else, she thought, then it wouldn't be about her. It would be another woman to whom all of this had happened.

The group director didn't say a thing. It wasn't uncommon that women who were raped, especially those who considered themselves as strong, felt embarrassed about being overcome by a rapist.

Gradually, as she continued coming to the meetings, Dawn began shedding her disguise. First it was the hat, then the glasses and finally she told them her real name and what she did for a living and who the rapist was in her life.

Sharing with the group and finding others to relate to, made her burden lessen. As she understood that the problem wasn't that she was weak, but rather that her rapist was, did she slowly begin to regain her self-esteem.

During today's session she revealed through gasps and tears, that she was pregnant as a result of her attack. She broke down as she told them that she was told she had a slim chance of ever conceiving her own child and how she was torn between her wish to become a mother and her will to tear the unborn fetus from her womb.

The other women didn't give her solutions for her problems but they understood her. Some had the same dilemma; some had already resolved it, either by termination or giving birth to the child. Some were raising the children, others opted for adoption. She had people who could relate and feeling that she wasn't alone empowered her.

As she unraveled from session to session, she realized that more than anything, all she wanted was to be a mother. She was raped but it had nothing to do with the child. The child wasn't Lane. She had to work on this because she needed this child. She now knew this and she decided that she was going to keep him or her.

The problem was, the pregnancy was taking a serious toll on her body. While she began reducing the sleeping pills as she proceeded with the group sessions and got mentally stronger, she was still having a hard time keeping anything down. She couldn't take Compazine on a regular basis as it had too many side effects and she still had to keep functioning. She managed with milder forms of anti-emetics, but some days even those didn't help. She kept a strict diet, but she was still losing weight, and as she was far from overweight as it was, she was beginning to get worried stares from colleagues. It didn't help that she had deep dark sacks under her eyes, that she was extremely pale and that she was so exhausted and couldn't hide it.

Zach would arrange for her to have IV fluids every day. He would get her a private room and set everything up. It would keep her going, but she felt physically ill most of the time, and the peering stares she felt aimed at her from people passing her by didn't help.

And then there was that big elephant in the room. People didn't want to bother her, but on occasion she would overhear the end of a conversation concerning her. Just the other day she happened to hear Charlie and Alex mentioning her name and the word cancer came up. Brilliant. Just what she needed. Cancer rumors spread all over the hospital.

But to tell them the truth? There would be plenty more rumors once it was revealed. Not that such a secret could stay one for long.

She was going for a scan tomorrow. Zach got her in touch with an OBGYN doc friend of his who promised to keep things discreet. She was eight weeks pregnant and tomorrow she will know if her child was alive and well for the first time.

She was scared and excited, all at the same time. Zach promised to come along. If only a few weeks ago she would have refused, now she was grateful. She wasn't sure if she'd had gone without him.

She had to get through the scan tomorrow. Then she will decide how to handle the prying eyes at work.

* * *

 **The day after the scan**

She held the sonogram picture and stared at it. Despite having been pregnant for eight weeks, nothing could convince her more strongly of this fact than having actual proof before her. She closed her eyes and recalled the sound of staccato heart beats emanating from her abdomen. It was alive! She or he was fine! The tight knot in her belly untangled as the doctor continued his account of her womb's contents. She followed his pointed finger as he traced the fetus' delicate skeleton and let out a sigh of relief as he added color to the image and the blood flow path was shown.

She gave Zach a relieved smile and he returned it.

Then the doctor congratulated them on their achievement and that burst her bubble. There was an awkward moment, then silence as she got up and wiped the ultrasound jell off of her belly.

They were both quiet as he drove her home.

She went into deep reverie. This wasn't going to be the last awkward moment surrounding her pregnancy. She would have to get used to this. She would have to deal with it. Find the right answers to keep people's curiosity at bay, as well as her hard feelings over the subject.

Sudden pain soared through her body. Her eyes burst open from the shock of the sudden assault. She grabbed her abdomen and let out a yelp. What the hell?!

Then the sharp pain dulled somewhat and she managed to walk a few steps and collapse on her sofa. She felt her pulse. It was racing. What had just happened?

She sat on the sofa until she felt the spasm had passed, then got up to went to work. She was half way to Hope Zion when another piercing bout of pain soared through her. It took all her strength not to keel over and lose control of the steering wheel. Luckily, traffic was low, and she was able to maneuver herself to the road side where she sat the severe ache through.

As the second attack subsided, she quickly got back on the road and sped as fast as she could towards the hospital. This was more than just a tummy ache, that's one thing she was sure of.

Just as she was entering the parking lot, the pain had started again. She just stopped right in the middle of the lot and panted. The pain was getting worse. She had a general idea what it could be, although it was unusual at this stage of her pregnancy. Maybe it was something else. A kidney stone, perhaps? Funny one would hope for kidney stones, but then again.

Suddenly she jumped at a loud sound coming from her windows. She was still catching her breath, but she had enough strength to look aside at the source of the racket.

"Hey!" Charlie Harris was calling through the car windows. "You OK?"

No, Not again! Why was it always Charlie to the rescue?

She lowered the window and shook her head. To hell with everything! She was feeling like shit, might as well get help.

"OK," Charlie called out, "Stay right here, I'll get a chair." His last couple of words barely audible as he was already half way through the parking lot, rushing to get the wheelchair.

The hurting sensation calmed down once more. Maybe she could make it on her own two feet and somehow keep her dignity. She got out, took her bag and locked the car door. As she began her journey into the hospital building, she heard dashing footsteps from further ahead. Charlie was back for her.

He went into a complete halt when he caught the sight of her. "Feeling better?"

"A bit," she responded, "at least strong enough to make it on my own two feet."

"You don't mind if I join ya?"

She didn't mind. In fact, she was grateful and she let him know it.

They had just emerged within the ER doors when another cycle of pain crept on her without any warning. This time she really _did_ keel over, but Charlie was close by and he managed to get a hold on her before she fell.

Into the chair she went, and the whole show just unfolded before the entire ER. She was sitting hunched on the wheelchair, but she could hear their voices – Nurse Jackson, Zach, Maggie, Cassie and Alex.

Privacy was a thing of the past.

A muddle of voices rushed towards her. "Dawn." "Dr. Bell!?" "What happened?"

She was in too much pain to respond.

"OK, people!" Zach said "This is not some road side show. You all have something to do, so go do it!"

"I don't." That came from Maggie.

She could hear Zach sigh. She would have sighed too if she weren't feeling so goddamn awful.

"OK. I guess you can help me, then."

"Where do you want us?" That was Charlie.

Us. Great. Us.

Dawn was finally feeling strong enough and was able to let out a sigh.

"First curtain to the right."

She almost jumped as she felt the wheelchair move. She was still recovering but she could now get back to a normal sitting position. As she straightened her back, she caught the curious and worried glimpses the rest to ER team were giving her. She sighed again.

She was able to get out of the chair by the time they reached the bed Zach intended for her.

"Hey," Maggie was smiling at her. That wasn't a good sign. Maggie didn't smile much. Come to think of it, neither did she.

"Hey," she responded with a week smile.

"What's going on?" Dr. Lin asked.

She didn't really want to tell her the whole story. She was trying to figure out how much she could say without spilling the entire bean factory, when Charlie excused himself and got out to take care of another case. When he had left, Dawn felt a bit better and freer to talk about some parts of the real issue. It was really Charlie's presence that bothered her. Somehow, as he was her ex, and since she had planned on trying to have a child with him only to find out it would be almost impossible, all of this just made this revelation a lot more painful.

Zach was waiting patiently for her to respond, once again displaying his gift of understanding what people really needed. As Dawn debated her answer, he began hooking her up to the heart monitor, and slipped a pulse ox monitor on her finger.

"Well," she began, and then let out a painful groan. "Oh GOD!" she cried out.

Just like her previous ER visit, she could feel somebody supporting her head and patting her back as she went through another attack. At least this time she wasn't vomiting, but she wasn't sure this was any better. Possibly this was far worse.

Again the painful moment was over, and she fell back into the bed.

"I'll get you something for the pain," Maggie was saying.

"No," Dawn called out faintly.

Maggie turned back. "What?"

"No pain meds."

"Why?"

Dawn took in a deep breath, and then let it out slowly. Finally she spilled the beans. "I'm pregnant."

The surprised look on Maggie's face was something Dawn would have preferred to not see. Nor did she want to hear Maggie's shocked response.

"Get out!"

Zach gave Maggie a piercing glare.

"I mean, congratulations! Wow!" Maggie was unable to get that shoe out of her mouth.

Dawn felt tired and knew there was no rest in her near future. She closed her eyes as she gave in to the exhaustion she was feeling taking her body over.

"How far along are you?" Maggie queried.

"Eight weeks," Zach answered for her.

"You knew?" Maggie was surprised once more.

"Yes," Zach acknowledged.

"You two...?" Maggie continued her interrogation, but didn't say out loud what she was really thinking.

"What?!" Zach sounded appalled. "No!"

Dawn felt as if she was punched in the belly. This was the second time somebody implied that they were having this baby together, and lately Zach had become her confidant, her best friend, and she was beginning to understand she had feelings for him, but she was scared to say anything. She had been hurt too many times. She wasn't sure she could bear the thought of his feelings not being mutual. His response served as confirmation for this. Even if she had never revealed her feelings to him, it still hurt.

No sooner had that thought left her mind and he had realized she was hurt. He mellowed his response to Maggie. "It's not that I wouldn't mind having a child with Dr. Bell, it's just that this child happens to be somebody else's."

"Oh," Maggie was somewhat disappointed.

"Lin, you running the Spanish inquisition today?" Zach sounded impatient.

"Huh?" Maggie didn't get his point.

"What's all this with the endless questions? Give her a pelvic before she has another cramp!"

"Ah, right. Sure."

But it was too late. The, by now all too familiar, 'cramp' was back again and with a vengeance. It was getting worse and she felt as if she would lose consciousness as the attack seemed to last a lot longer this time.

This time, as soon as she relaxed back into bed, she could feel Maggie pulling down her pants so she could give her the pelvic examination. It was so humiliating but she just averted her gaze and stared vacantly into the curtain beside her.

"I'm sorry, Dr. Bell," Maggie apologized. "I'll get you a gown after this."

Dawn didn't respond. This wasn't happening. Not to her. This was somebody else.

As Maggie was finishing getting her colleague's lower parts undressed, Dawn could hear her shocked inhale.

"Zach," Maggie's worried tone could not be concealed.

The rush of air beside her meant Zach had moved from the top of the bed to its lower part to join Maggie and see what she had discovered.

Dawn felt tears streaming along her cheeks. She had no doubt now.

The pregnancy was over. She had lost her child.

She wanted to scream. She wanted to cry out loud. She couldn't.

"I'm so sorry," Maggie said softly.

Dawn wanted to curl into a tiny ball. She wanted to disappear. Why? Why?

She didn't even have the luxury of indulging in her sorrow. Another jolt of pain soared through her. There was definitely no rest for the wicked.

Through gritted teeth she hissed "Meds!" Might as well get drugged, now that her child was gone.

"Sure," Maggie agreed.

"Wait a minute," Zach caught Maggie by the arm. "Just to be on the safe side, I'd like to have an ultrasound to confirm."

What?! He had to be kidding. "I don't need confirmation," She told him. "I know."

Zach took a hold of her hand and squeezed it. "Then just indulge me, OK?"

She sighed, but nodded assent.

"Good girl," Zach patted her hand.

She hated when guys said that to her. She felt like an animal and its owner, patting her as if she had just sat down at his command. She pulled her hand from within Zach's palms. Just because she was feeling ill, didn't mean she was going to let anybody, not even Zach, talk to her in that manner.

Zach seemed a bit surprised, but he chose not to pursue this. Instead he asked Maggie to hurry up with the ultrasound.


	3. Chapter 3

The room was starting to float around her. The voices of the people stretching like a tape recorder with wasted batteries. She could make out bits and pieces that still made sense. She heard the words "bleeding" "losing her" "blood bank". She knew there was something very wrong with her, and yet she was in some form of trance. She felt herself slowly drifting out of her body. Then she was out of it. She was looking at herself lying on an operating table. She could hear her friends shouting hysterically, and she could see them moving about her in hurried motion. Zach was there. It was really strange. Zach was never in the operating room. He was there and he was doing chest compressions. It was her chest. So strange. She felt oddly at peace. Maggie was there and Cassie, and Asha. There was so much blood all over the place. Still. So strange. It didn't feel bad.

Ok, so this was strangely boring. It wasn't some kick-ass cardiothoracic procedure after all. Bleeding, dying woman. No biggy. She left the room. Actually, she didn't quite know how she had left it, but she was suddenly not in it. She was in a corridor. Just in front of her she could see Charlie and Alex. Usually she would just nod courteously, possibly address them formally as Drs. Reid and Harris and move along. She wasn't the small talk kind of person, but today she actually felt like she was really in need of silly chit chat.

She approached the couple. "What a good day to die, don't you think?"

Charlie shuddered as he saw her. "Dawn?!"

"What?!" Alex Reid was confused.

"Alex, it's Dawn," he said under his breath.

"Of course it's me, silly!" She really thought this whole day was pretty amusing. Here she was dying, oozing blood all over her friends, her chest cracking under the pressure of her best friend, and these two with their confused responses, the cherry on her cake. Great day indeed.

"Hey Dawn," Charlie spoke to her like she was retarded or something.

"Hey you," she responded in same.

He grinned with unease at a nurse passing him by and looking at him peculiarly.

"So," Dawn began, "This is how you do your magic."

"Yeah…" Charlie responded but didn't seem quite sure of things.

"Pretty cool, if you ask me. Then again, the real live me would send you to the loony bin, or better yet, to get that tumor out of your brain."

"Dawn is a…?" Alex gave Charlie a questioning look.

"…Ghost. Yes." Charlie finished her sentence quietly.

"So this means…"

"I don't know what it means, but maybe you should go find out and I will have a little chat here with our boss."

Dawn watched Alex Reid rush down the corridor with amusement. What's the point in all the fuss. Just a blond woman dying for Christ sake. Happens every day.

"Ahm," Charlie was looking at her, trying to get her attention.

"Hey there, handsome." She gave him a sexy grin.

"Right… hmmm… let's go in here," he started going towards the nearest supply closet.

"Yeah! Now ya talkn'! Just like the good old days! Yee HAA!"

Charlie looked behind her and gave her an odd look.

"What?! A lady can't have some fun?"

"Armmm… no—I mean, yes… errr- Never mind." He sighed and led her into the deserted closet.

"Gosh, you are such a riot. I don't remember you being such a riot back when we were together."

"That's because I wasn't."

"Yeah. I guess so."

"So, Dawn…" Charlie seemed unsure.

"So, Charlie… Are you like this with all your ghosts?"

"What do you mean?"

"It's just that if I could see ghosts, I think I'd be more down to business and not beat about the bush like you're doing with me."

"I'm not beating about the bush… Damn! I am. Sorry. It's just a little awkward. You are just very different from your live/non-comatose version. I'm finding it hard to take in."

Dawn smiled.

"So, are you dead or in a coma, then?"

She didn't know. "Well, last time I saw myself I was bleeding like crazy on the OR table, possibly losing my baby."

"Right," Charlie said to that. "I'm going there. Maybe you should come with me."

"What for? Nothing exciting about a bleeding dying pregnant woman on a table. I'd rather have a big hefty lunch instead."

"Well, Dawn, if you're dead, then there's no more lunch for you. Ever."

She grimaced. "Party pooper."

"Hey, I thought I was a riot," he said with a feigned offended voice as he opened the closet door and strode towards the operating rooms.

Once again it was like she thought about where she wanted to be, and she was there. She was still on the operating table, but Zach was no longer compressing her chest. He was wearing an intense worried look which made him look awfully cute. Maybe it wasn't such a bad idea to come back here after all. Gosh, she could devour him right now. He looked so goddamn tasty!

"Hey," it was Charlie who had just entered the room. She could hear him trying to catch his breath. He must have run over here, while she felt so relaxed. The perks of the almost dead. She could get used to this. She felt free. No worries, no cares, no pain, no nothing and it was so uplifting. She didn't want to go back.

As that last thought left her mind, all the monitors began to beep. Heart pressure was crashing, heart rate going into v-fib and in unison with the screaming machines, all the people in the room were joining in, in a maniacal chorus and Dawn just watched them, as if it were some great Broadway musical and she was the stage for the entire amazing show. The show of her life. No, the show of her death. Oh, who really cared. It was a good show and that's what really mattered.

"Pssst."

Go away, Dawn thought.

"Hey, Dawn," Charlie whispered as quietly as he could.

"Go away Charlie. I'm watching the show and you're making too much noise."

"Dawn! Please!" His whisper was almost a shout.

She sighed, but left the OR with him to another closet.

As he closed the door he began berating her. "What the hell are you doing?"

She was still in too much a good mood and she wasn't going to let him get to her. "Me? I'm just dying. You should try it some day. It's not as bad as people make it out to be."

"But what about your baby?!"

"What baby? That baby's gone! And anyway, he would probably turn out to be just like his bastard of a father!"

Charlie seemed taken aback. "Who? Zach? What the hell are you talkin' about? Zach's the nicest—"

"Not Zach. Lane! The fucking bastard who raped me!" She spat the words out.

Charlie's face was shock stricken. "Lane!? He raped you?!"

She looked at Charlie's distraught face and she actually felt sorry for him for having to find out which was oddly strange.

"Charlie, the baby's dying and as you know, I kept on with this pregnancy all these months while it almost consumed me. All I wanted is to give birth to this child and to be a mother. I almost lost him back then, and I've been on strict bedrest ever since, with the last couple of month spent at the high risk ward, and all of this for what? I'm losing it and I'm tired of it all. I like it here. Maybe my baby will join me here and then we can be together, and Lane will be far far away from us."

Charlie gave her the blue eyed sad stare. "What about Zach? Do you think this is fair on him?" he said softly.

No. It wasn't fair. If not for Zach she would have probably gone insane.

She sighed and she was back in the OR.

Muffled choked miniature cries. She just heard him. He was alive? He was alive! Alive!

She turned around. Zach was holding her baby. They looked so perfect!

No! Wait. She wasn't ready to go. She looked behind her. Charlie was standing there. He gave her a nod. She knew what she had to do.

* * *

She could smell him. It was the most wonderful smell in the world. She opened her eyes.

"Hey," Zach said.

She gave him a smile.

"This little guy here needs a name."

"Harry. His name is Harry." 

**THE END**


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